Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
