Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
