my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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