Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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