you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
