if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
