How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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