DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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