I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
