Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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