you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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