Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
