My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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