I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Randomize
