sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I could make wine with my vomit
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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