someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize