dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
