I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize