I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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