if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
