i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
