I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
operation have a gay friend backfired
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
