P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
