marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
