I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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