Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
