everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
