Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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