Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize