How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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