It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
