I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
