he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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