He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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