I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
