Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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