just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
