so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
