Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
