I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You need a sexual gate keeper
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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