she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
