I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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