Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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