I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
