ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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