Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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