On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
