Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
