He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
