Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize