I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
FUCK WHALES
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