The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
