my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
