my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize