What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
