I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You ruined the universe
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
