Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
