I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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